Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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