He is such a slut. More and more my type.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
