Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
