I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
