JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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