I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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