Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
