i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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