I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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