upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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