Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
