alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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