Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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