I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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