Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
