I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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