That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
