One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
