I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've blown a few things in my day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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