Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need water and some morals
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize