Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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