Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
