Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
