Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
