C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
