At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
