I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
he high fived his dick after we had sex
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
