if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
