im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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