why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
