omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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