Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize