apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
now i know why i became what i already was.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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