Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
