Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
babies were throwing up all over the place
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
