I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
