I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
