I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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