true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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