Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
