Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
