Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
