You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
