Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
