If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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