I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
smell my finger.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
