Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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