I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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