I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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