Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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