Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
