omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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