dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
