2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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