I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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