I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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