at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
