eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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