I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
