is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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