Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
