i just had sex bonerless
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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