I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
