last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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