I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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